takeaction

It’s amazing to me, how I can cognitively know that food can’t really make me well when I’m sick, can’t really console me after a long stressful day, and certainly can’t give me what I want, yet I turn to it time and again to meet these needs.

In one of my classes we are discussing the difference between knowing and understanding. Although we tend to wind up splitting hairs during these discussions, I ‘ve been struck by the fact that I must not completely understand my eating and its consequences. Sure, when I sit back and get really introspective, I can theorize until the cows come home, yet when I am stumbling through the door after a tiring day chasing kids around, I don’t really understand the cost of reaching for the pantry door will be.

I guess that’s why I am excited about journaling my food and exercise and keeping myself accountable through buddyslim. It allows me to step back regularly and examine my choices. Maybe (for me) the key piece is allowing myself TIME to think about what I’m doing (or what I’m eating.) I have been a compulsive, binge eater since puberty hit, and when I am really in a frenzy, I don’t want to understand what my eating is going to do to me. In fact, I go to great lengths to persuade myself that my food choices are going to be ok. I am all for being positive, but there comes a time when you gotta be honest w/ yourself!!

All right, although I feel exhausted from work both mentally and physically, I am going to jump on the treadmill. This weight-loss thing is not going to be easy, but I know that I can do it, which is something that I’m truly beginning to not only understand, but believe as well.

…with Bird’s Eye easy steam vegetables. yes I know that my title was cheesy and this sounds like an advertisement, but for 140 calories, you get a lot of food. I love steamed vegetables, but generally am not into frozen veggies. These are tasty and fill me up mid-afternoon. I put two tsp. of Cabot cheddar shake (50 cal.s) and a big glass of water and I am full! Good stuff!!!

So after a few really good days last week, control-wise, I had a bad weekend. Traditionally, weekends have been tough for me, b/c I lack the structure that I have during the week. That is an issue that I’m really going to have to trouble-shoot.
Anyway, I went out to dinner Friday night, ordered Pad Thai (GASP) and I think after I did that, I lost my focus for the remainder of the weekend. It seems like it is either all or nothing with me - I am focussed and committed but the second I screw up, I throw in the towel. I think that in order to really make this work - if I am really serious about weight-loss, then I have to knuckle down and get committed. Those who fail to plan, plan to fail.

I cannot complain about today. It is 7:30 and I have spent 11 hours with kids with kids with autism today and although I didn’t get any cardio-vascular exercise, I have to assume that I burned some calories.

My food choices were pretty decent, and, again, although I didn’t cut back enough to really burn the fat, I didn’t feel out of control. In fact, I felt very much in control. I think I am lacking a little focus with my food, however, and I think I need to capitalize on my current feeling of control.

I credit buddyslim with giving me this control. I have dieted so many times in my life, and b/c of this, have a sizable fear of failure. This fear does not work in my favor b/c it seems like the anxiety leads to self-sabotage. When I can publicly talk about my feelings and receive support in return, the anxiety variable is diminished.

Anyway, I hope this makes sense. I am pretty fried write now, but I know that spending some time in reflection will help me keep up my momentum.

Thanks, everyone, for your support.

When I think about commitment and weight loss, I have a small panic attack.  I commit to showing up at work every day at 7:15, and it sucks sometimes, but I do it.  I commit to driving 40 minutes after work to three hour grad school classes.  Again, this sucks, but I do it.  I do these things because I know that money, security and a graduate degree are things that I need/want.  Yet when I thing of commitment and weight loss, something that I want VERY badly, I FREAK out!!!  I work in an applied behavioral science field - I am in charge of analyzing the behavior/motivation of kids every day, yet I can’t figure out this piece of my own behavior!! 

One thing that I do know about my students behavior - when they are anxious or overwhelmed with a fear of failure, they  are paralyzed and cannot make progress.

Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can stop myself from being my own worst enemy?

When I turned 13, I began to struggle with weight. This did not happen overnight, but by the time I was 15, I weighed somewhere near 165 lbs. I am 5′8″ and although that falls within an acceptable BMI index, it was not acceptable to a high school girl in search of acceptance and/or attention. Eventually, I became obsessed with the weight, and by tracking my calories and abusing OTC weight loss drugs, I whittled myself down to 124 lbs.

Since that time, I have gone up and down many times. I expect that this struggle will be mine for the rest of my life. I vacilate between being extremely conscientious and then permissive and the result is that the weight always creeps back on.

At present, I am 173.5 lb.s I do not feel comfortable at this weight. I am very excited about buddyslim and the opportunity to have some accountability and support. I have done WW in the past, however, with graduate school AND work, I am having a hard time finding a night when I can do it.

If anyone has words of advice, or tips for this compulsive eater, please feel free to share!