takeaction

So after a few really good days last week, control-wise, I had a bad weekend. Traditionally, weekends have been tough for me, b/c I lack the structure that I have during the week. That is an issue that I’m really going to have to trouble-shoot.
Anyway, I went out to dinner Friday night, ordered Pad Thai (GASP) and I think after I did that, I lost my focus for the remainder of the weekend. It seems like it is either all or nothing with me - I am focussed and committed but the second I screw up, I throw in the towel. I think that in order to really make this work - if I am really serious about weight-loss, then I have to knuckle down and get committed. Those who fail to plan, plan to fail.

I cannot complain about today. It is 7:30 and I have spent 11 hours with kids with kids with autism today and although I didn’t get any cardio-vascular exercise, I have to assume that I burned some calories.

My food choices were pretty decent, and, again, although I didn’t cut back enough to really burn the fat, I didn’t feel out of control. In fact, I felt very much in control. I think I am lacking a little focus with my food, however, and I think I need to capitalize on my current feeling of control.

I credit buddyslim with giving me this control. I have dieted so many times in my life, and b/c of this, have a sizable fear of failure. This fear does not work in my favor b/c it seems like the anxiety leads to self-sabotage. When I can publicly talk about my feelings and receive support in return, the anxiety variable is diminished.

Anyway, I hope this makes sense. I am pretty fried write now, but I know that spending some time in reflection will help me keep up my momentum.

Thanks, everyone, for your support.

When I think about commitment and weight loss, I have a small panic attack.  I commit to showing up at work every day at 7:15, and it sucks sometimes, but I do it.  I commit to driving 40 minutes after work to three hour grad school classes.  Again, this sucks, but I do it.  I do these things because I know that money, security and a graduate degree are things that I need/want.  Yet when I thing of commitment and weight loss, something that I want VERY badly, I FREAK out!!!  I work in an applied behavioral science field - I am in charge of analyzing the behavior/motivation of kids every day, yet I can’t figure out this piece of my own behavior!! 

One thing that I do know about my students behavior - when they are anxious or overwhelmed with a fear of failure, they  are paralyzed and cannot make progress.

Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can stop myself from being my own worst enemy?

When I turned 13, I began to struggle with weight. This did not happen overnight, but by the time I was 15, I weighed somewhere near 165 lbs. I am 5′8″ and although that falls within an acceptable BMI index, it was not acceptable to a high school girl in search of acceptance and/or attention. Eventually, I became obsessed with the weight, and by tracking my calories and abusing OTC weight loss drugs, I whittled myself down to 124 lbs.

Since that time, I have gone up and down many times. I expect that this struggle will be mine for the rest of my life. I vacilate between being extremely conscientious and then permissive and the result is that the weight always creeps back on.

At present, I am 173.5 lb.s I do not feel comfortable at this weight. I am very excited about buddyslim and the opportunity to have some accountability and support. I have done WW in the past, however, with graduate school AND work, I am having a hard time finding a night when I can do it.

If anyone has words of advice, or tips for this compulsive eater, please feel free to share!